How Far
by CrimeSceneDna
Summary: A Cath/Sara oneshot. Written around the song How Far by Martina McBride. Rated M for some sex scenes even if they are mild.


**I don't own anyone or anything but I wish I did. Unbeta'd so all mistakes are mine.**

* * *

I walk along the side walk, alone and confused. The sun is low in the sky and the clouds are a brilliant red. At 37 years old I never expected to be here, I dreamt of a life with a gorgeous successful husband, four beautiful children and a house by the sea. In reality there's no husband let alone a gorgeous, successful one and I've only managed one beautiful child. If I had a chance to change what I have, then I wouldn't….I couldn't. My daughter is my life and although recently we haven't been seeing eye to eye we love each other more than anything in the world.

I look out across the calm water and I wish the gentle swaying of the waves could calm the storm in my heart and wash all my problems away. In the distance I watch an object bobbing up and down and I wonder how to sort out my life.

_There's a boat, I could sail away………_

--

"Oh yeah baby, right there, mmm don't stop."

"Right here?"

"Aha."

I smile down at my lover and twist my fingers a little, pushing them deeper inside her. My favorite moan escapes her lips as my mouth gets to work on one of her nipples, my teeth scrap across her soft skin before I bite down. Her back arches in reaction and her hands are soon entwined in my hair, pushing my head down.

"I really love you Sara, you know that right?"

"I know but please don't make this into one of your talking sessions. I was enjoying the other talents of your mouth."

I laugh slightly but can't help feeling somewhat deflated but I don't want another argument or any more angry words. I'm not sure I can stand another night on the sofa so I let my mouth continue its assault across her naked chest. Her moans of appreciation are the only thing that keep me going for the next forty minutes, I've been watching the minutes tick by on the DVD player, it's numbers illuminate the room slightly and I hate myself for hoping she'll fall asleep.

--

Another day and here I am again looking out over the water hoping that it will somehow solve all the problems in the world, mainly my problems. Lindsey announced last night that she wants to move out, she's 16 years old and I've failed her, I've pushed her away the last few months. I never meant to but I've been so wrapped up in trying to keep my girlfriend happy, you know it's so hard to make her smile. Girlfriend?? Who the fuck am I trying to kid, she isn't my girlfriend, she's my lover, she loves the sex and not much else. It never used to be like this, not in the beginning, she used to be great with Linds, she'd help her with her homework, look after her while I was at work, spend weekends with us just doing the silliest of things. Now she works all the time, hardly says two words to Lindsey and me, well me she just uses for the sex. I never realized things were this bad until my own child told it to me straight. I look up the sky and see the rain clouds descending upon me and in an instance I know this can't go on, my heart can't take anymore.

_There's the sky, I could catch a plane………_

--

"MOM YOU AREN'T LISTENING TO ME."

"Lindsey please don't raise your voice, you'll wake Sara."

"I DON'T GIVE A FUCK IF I WAKE HER, CAN'T YOU SEE WHAT'S HAPPENING?"

"LINDSEY THAT IS ENOUGH!"

My hearts pounding, I hate having to shout at my daughter but the thing that kills me most is knowing that she's right and that I'm just trying to bury my head in the clouds, hoping that it will all go away.

" Mom, I can't handle this anymore. I'm going to move out, I can live with Grandma until things are sorted."

"What?"

I try to control my emotions and stop the tears but I fail and I guess my baby is failing to because her tears almost mirror mine.

"I don't know what happened or why it happened but she's changed Mom and I'm not sure she loves us anymore."

"I'm not sure she ever did sweetie but I love her, she's the only person I've truly loved since your father and I don't know how to walk away from that."

"I think she's screwed up, she needs help and then maybe we can be a family again. She hasn't been the same since that psycho trapped her under that car in the desert."

"She was changing before then honey, she was just better at hiding it from you. I promise I'll sort this out babe, you just gotta give me some time ok?"

"I think it's best I go to Grandma's house, just for a few days. You could talk to Sara, tell her how you feel. You gotta make her open up to you Mom or it's over. She'll be the death of you."

"I know. Come on I'll take you to Grandma's and on the way home I can decide what I'm going to say."

Nothing can stop the tears as I sit outside my mother's house and watch my baby walk away from me.

--

So here I am sitting at the crossing in my SUV, just trying to think of a way to save you and me. My babys gone and my heart is broken, maybe beyond repair. The only good thing left between me an Sara is the sex, it's funny because at first that's all it was to us and she was the one that decided to take us to the next level. I wasn't sure at first, you know we had something good, why spoil that?! And to be honest I was worried that she wouldn't be able to handle more, I knew she'd had a bad childhood and hadn't really loved anyone before. I wonder if she loves me and can't just say the words or if she doesn't really feel anything but horny. That's harsh isn't it?! I pray to god I'm wrong because although it took me a long time to admit it, I am in love with Sara Sidle and I want to spend the rest of my life in her arms even if her arms don't want to hold me. I hear the train in the distance and suddenly it becomes apparent to me why some people don't stop as the barriers come down and how they can sit in the middle of the tracks and wait.

_There's a train, there's the tracks_

_I could leave and I could choose to not come back_

_Oh never come back………_

_--_

"Sar are you sure you're alright?"

She slams her bottle of beer down onto the kitchen side and I begin to wish I'd kept my mouth shut.

"How many fucking times Catherine?! I've told you I'm fine, can't you just drop it. You're making me feel uncomfortable."

"I'm making you feel uncomfortable?? Jesus Christ Sara, I do everything to make you happy, my one aim when I wake up in the morning is to make you smile."

"And you do, doesn't that show you that I'm ok?"

She sighs and takes another swig of her beer. My anger is increasing like the heat of a log fire and my heart bleeds for her, for my daughter and for myself.

" No because I feel like you're faking it."

"Do you think I would still be here if I wasn't happy?"

"I don't know anymore Sar. All I know is that since that incident you've changed, you never hold me anymore, you don't kiss me when you get in from work. The only time you're interested in me is when I'm naked and between your legs."

Her silence is almost deafening.

"God damn it, just say something. I don't care if you tell me to fuck off, just say something."

She continues to drink her beer and ignore me.

"Sara!"

"I'm ok."

"Well I'm glad someone is because while you're busy being ok the rest of your world is dying in front of your very eyes and you are either too blind or too drunk to realize it."

"I do NOT have a drinking problem. I just find it hard to talk about things, you knew that when we got together. I just need time."

"In your opinion you don't but in mine you are a borderline alcoholic. You've had time Sara most people would have run months ago, God knows why I stay."

"Go to hell Catherine."

Saying the words brings it all home for me and I can't help but get hysterical. I turn away from her and grab my coat. She could stop me, all she has to do is call my name and I'd do whatever she wanted but she says nothing and I run. I run from everything, I don't know where I'm running to but I know it has to be better than here. I could have missed the tears in her eyes, the opening of her mouth trying to stop me but I'm not sure those actions ever happened.

_There you are, giving up the fight_

_Here I am begging you to try_

_Talk to me, let me in_

_But you just put your wall back up again_

_Oh when's it gonna end_

_--_

Well I'm back in our living room again, I may have ran but I didn't run far, not far enough anyway and something kept pulling me back. Back to this room, the room we decorated together almost a year ago and the room where I watch you sit, slumped in the armchair like you've given up the fight, like the drink is your only friend and that's when I realize I'm losing you.

"So you came back?"

"No I'm just a fragment of your imagination, of course I came back!"

"I knew you would."

She takes another sip of her beer and tosses it aside. The clunk of glass on glass sends shivers down my spine and I just want to walk away all over again. Her words are slurred and I know if I say the wrong thing she could just flip.

"You always come back."

"One day I won't. What are you going to do then?"

She laughs and turns to look at me.

"Come on Cath, we both know that will never happen."

"You keep pushing me Sar and we'll see about that."

_How far do I have to go to make you understand………_

"How many times have you said that? If you're going to make a threat you could at least mean it."

"I can't believe you. What the hell has happened to you?!"

I turn and walk away, I've only taken a few steps out of the room when her drunken slur stops me. I was hoping she'd be saying she's sorry and that she loves me and that she wants to try but there's no such luck.

_I wanna make this work so much it hurts, but I just can't_

_Keep on giving, go on living with the way things are………_

"Babe get me another beer on your way out."

I get the beer from the fridge, slam the door as hard as possible causing the door to swing back open and the milk to smash to the floor. I ignore the glass and the milk covering my kitchen floor and throw Sara's beer at her before running upstairs and into our bedroom. I collapse against the door and allow my tears to fall. I'd do anything to make this work, I'd fly to the other side of the world and back if I had to.

_So I'm gonna walk away_

_And it's up to you to say how far………_

I'm snuggled up under the covers, hugging my pillow tightly to my chest when I hear Sara's footsteps on the stairs. I'm surprised she's managing to get up them in the state she's in, I'm sure she must be crawling. She pushes open the door and I wish the floor would swallow her up, I just don't want another fight.

"Cath…a.r.e…y.o.u…still..a…awa..ke?"

I ignore her, hoping that if I stay quiet then this whole mess will disappear. She slips beside me and within seconds I can hear her gentle breathing and watching her sleep causes a small smile to creep onto my face. It's time's like these that make me realize why I'm still fighting and they remind me of how we used to be. I kiss her forehead quickly and try to convince myself that tomorrow will be the day that I finally walk away.

--

_There's a chance I could change my mind_

"This is it Sar, it's now or never, either you let me in or we end this now."

"Whatever."

"You need to let me in, take down the walls. I can help you, if only you'd let me in."

"It's not that easy Cat, it's not that easy. I wish it was. You think I like doing this to you?!"

She sighs and I can see the tears in her eyes and a part of me is dancing inside at the thought that we may be getting somewhere.

"I know you don't like it. I'm sure it kills you but darling you need to let me help you."

"I'm not sure how, I'm not used to this. Hell I need a drink."

"And you say you don't have a drink problem, it's 10am!"

"It helps numb the pain, I just need one."

"You need to tell me what you want. Do you want this? Do you need me?"

_But I won't, not till you decide_

_What you want, what you need………_

"I need to clear my head, I need some time and a drink. I promise we'll talk afterwards, we'll sort everything out."

"I feel like you don't love me anymore, sometimes I wonder if you ever loved me."

"Cath….."

"Tell me you love me."

"Cath please."

"Come on Sara just tell me you love me. How hard is it to say those words?"

"I can't."

Tears are streaming down my face and I frantically wipe at them with my shaking hands.

"_Do you even care if I stay or leave?_"

"Right now? Honestly? I couldn't care less."

"You'll regret this."

"I'll only regret I didn't say it sooner."

_Oh, what's it gonna be………_

I slump into the chair and allow my head to fall into my hands. I know she doesn't mean it, I've been around enough alcoholics to know that the drink takes over, it rules their world and without a drink their anger rears its ugly head.

_Out of this chair, or just across the room_

_Halfway down the block or halfway to the moon………_

"I've decided what we're going to do."

"Please enlighten me."

"I'm going to walk away and its up to you to say how far."

I get up and walk away, I walk into the hallway and out of the front door, down the concrete steps and towards my car, I yank open the door and jump inside as quick as I can. The adrenaline is pumping and I know if I'm not quick I could give in. Just as I turn the key into the ignition I see Sara on the porch.

"Cath wait, I don't understand what that means. What do you mean it's up to me to say how far?"

I slam my foot onto the accelerator and speed away into the distance. With no destination in mind its hard to end up anywhere worth while, so I'm back here again watching the ocean, watching the little boat bobbing up and down on the horizon. There's a plane just disappearing behind a cloud and every little piece of me wishes I was on that plane, flying away, flying far far away.

--

It's been six months, Lindsey is still living with my mother, in fact I'm living there too. I haven't been home since the day I walked away and Sara never did say how far so the only conclusion I can come to is that I haven't gone far enough yet. My heart has broken a million times over and there's no way I can prepare it. I still love her and my body still burns for her, I wish I could find a way to block it out.

She phoned me five minutes ago, she phoned after six months without a word. Of course I've seen her at work but Grissom has kept us apart and I've made no effort to speak to her and she's made no effort to speak to me either. My heart was pounding as I heard her voice and I can't help wondering why she called, why today?

I pull up outside and something keeps me in the car, my body refuses to move and the dull headache from the night before threatens to intensify. I watch the minutes pass by on the dashboard clock and I wonder if eventually she'll come out and drag me inside. It's been thirty minutes and still I'm sat here and still there's no sign of Sara, I leave the car and walk to the house, letting myself in with my own key.

"Sara?"

"I didn't think you were coming."

My jaw drops. She doesn't look in a drunken state, her words aren't slurred and she looks god damn gorgeous in that tight tank top and jeans.

"I was intrigued as to why you called."

"I wanted to call sooner but I knew I couldn't, I had to get everything sorted before I could call."

"What made you do this?"

"You walking away. I realized what I need and what I want. I want and need you, I couldn't breathe without you. Every moment was painful, I wanted to drink so bad but I knew you were serious this time and that's when I did it."

"Did what?"

"I've given up the drink babe, I promise. I did this all for us, I went to AA meetings. I still go, every Friday. I haven't had a drink in four months and I don't feel the need to have on either."

I can't help but cry, so many emotions are rushing through my head and I want to hold her so badly.

"Cath? Babe please don't cry. I promise that I will open up to you, I'll tell you everything. Every little secret, every moment, every feeling that went through my mind when I was trapped under that car. I was so scared, the only things that kept going through my mind were you and Linds because I'm nothing without you. Take me back Cath, I promise I'll never let you down again. I know I couldn't say it before but I'm finally ready, I was too scared to admit it before."

She takes a deep breath and looks me straight in the eye.

"I love you Catherine, you are my world, you're my everything and I want us to be a family again."

"I love you too sweetie."

--

Our bodies are moving together on top of soft sheets, our legs tangled together, my arms draped around her waist, my fingers digging into her sides as her fingers disappear inside of me. She curls her two fingers, pushing and pulling back at a steady pace. Her mouth is on my neck, sucking and leaving her mark and I'm in heaven. Moans escape my mouth over and over again and I scream her name as I reach my climax.

"Wow."

"Wow?"

"I forgot how good it was to make love."

She laughs slightly and snuggles under my arm before kissing the end of my nose.

" I forgot too, it's nice to enjoy it and not be so drunk that you haven't got a clue what's happening."

"Lets not lose this moment."

"Not ever. I love you Catherine Willows."

"And I love you Sara Sidle."

"Cath?"

"Mmmm?"

"Will you marry me?"

"W..h…a..t? Are you serious?"

"Deadly. You asked me to say how far and I don't want you to even leave my side because that in itself is too far. I want to spend the rest of me life with you. So what do you say?"

_How far do I have to go to make you understand_

_I wanna make this work so much it hurts, but I just can't_

_Keep on giving, go on living with the way things are_

_So I'm gonna walk away_

_And it's up to you to say_

_Yeah I'm gonna walk away_

_And it's up to you to say how far………_


End file.
